It's been over a month since my miscarriage at 14 weeks. But, I didn't have the heart to tell you, to tell anyone really. I thought of deleting my last post that announced my pregnancy, but it would not have been done with good intentions. So, here we are, another loss, half of my 10 children are in heaven, two of which I had the privilege to hold.
If you have read my pregnancy announcement, you will see that I felt God had answered my prayer about this pregnancy. So sure was I that I shared it with you all and had so much peace. But, for some unknown reason, it wasn't meant to be.
I'll admit, this one made me question, made me angry at first, made me feel things I'd never felt towards God before. I felt betrayed, unloved and totally abandoned. I'm not going to tell you that I humbly swallowed my negative emotions and praised God through it all. I'm not going to tell you how I squared my shoulders and went on with my Christian walk with God.
I can't give you any answers. I can't tell you why God allowed this to happen or why He lead me to believe He answered me and gave me hope for the pregnancy. But, I can tell you this:
I am broken.
And I'm okay with that.
I realize now that being broken is the only true way to know Him more, to desire Him like never before. I can't explain it, all I know is He has wakened a desire in me, a longing for Him, an opening way down in the depths of my soul. It hurts yet it fills me with joy. Joy because I long for Him, pain because I am exposed.
Slowly, God is removing all of the rubble.
Yes, I can rejoice in that.