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Another Little One with Jesus



I had a hard time deleting the baby image below that shows how far along I was.  Pushing the 'remove' button seemed as if I was deleting my little one.  You see, this little one is still inside of me, but is no longer living.

In case you do not know my past, I had a beautiful stillborn at 37 weeks in 2008, one last June at 21 weeks and a miscarriage last November.  You can read more about my stillbirths above if you'd like.  Needless to say, I was a little nervous about this pregnancy.

But, I also had high hopes that everything would be ok.  I saw this little one and the heartbeat about three weeks ago.  Everything looked normal and I was ecstatic to see that heartbeat.

Then the spotting came.  I tried to calm my fears as this did happen on and off a couple of times and eventually stopped.  But, not this time.  I felt like I needed to go in and see my midwife.  I was worried, but I also was just trying to give it to the Lord.  I didn't want to go in and be seen.  I dreaded it, for each time I had a problem in the past, it ended up being a devastation.

My husband went along with me, thank goodness, but just before we were leaving, I felt almost panicky.  A sickening dread came over me, the same feeling I had when I went in to be seen with my two stillbirths.  I tried not to panic and to be strong for my children.  They had no idea what was going on.  I didn't have the heart to tell them.  My son put his hands on my belly and talked to the deceased baby and I almost broke down.  "Be strong, Susie, be strong,"  I kept saying to myself.

On the way, my husband said that I had that all too familiar look in my eyes, the look of no hope, of knowing the outcome wouldn't be good.  I tried to smile and say that I didn't know what to think.

As I spoke with my midwife, she had that same look.  My hope sunk even further.  Then came the Doppler that finds the heartbeat.  I had been through this twice already with a bad outcome.  I hated it.  I really hated it! The more she moved it around, my heartbeat began to beat so fast, that I thought she found the baby's heartbeat.  She calmly said that it was mine.  I thought my heart was going to thump out of my chest!  Pure agony, that moment when you realize that this could be it, again.

I still hung on to hope.  Maybe she just couldn't find it.  Here we go again.  I had been through this false hope with my other two as we proceeded to do an ultrasound.  Of course, there really was no heartbeat on the ultrasound either.  Another breakdown by me, as I just wanted to throw in the white towel and give up having another baby.

Why would He allow me to get pregnant just to take them all away?  That was my first question.  Anger tried to seep it's way into me towards God, but, I quickly squashed it as I new it would not help the situation or my relationship with God.  I felt deeply saddened and defeated.

I felt as if I had let my family down, again.  Why couldn't I carry one to term and hold this precious child?  Why couldn't my husband and children enjoy having a newborn babe in the family?

My husband reassured me that it wasn't my fault.  I know he is right, but sometimes I can't help but feel that way.

I will be going in for a D & C Friday.  I decided not to wait and let it happen.  With my two stillborns and other miscarriage, it took abnormally longer than anyone had expected.  My midwives were baffled with each one.  I guess my body knew it wasn't right to let go of these little ones.

Through all of this, God has calmed me and given me peace.  I know that His plans for me are so much greater than mine.  I love Him, even more!  I can't explain it, but, I know He is working in my life.  His hand is molding me into who He wants me to be.  I surrender myself to Him and humbly ask that He shows me what He wants me to learn.  If I choose not to do this, then losing my baby would be all for nothing.

Just like Jesus.  When we choose to sin, we devalue His death and say His sacrifice was all for nothing.  I choose Jesus.  I choose His will for me.  I choose His death and resurrection.  I choose His hands as my Potter.

Through these trials, I will persevere.  For one day, I will see the results, and what a reunion it will be!

You can read about our precious stillborns here.




80 comments:

  1. Oh Susie, I am so sorry. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and a breakdown followed so I am AMAZED by your strength right now. A weaker woman would lash out at God but you are an amazing example of faithful maturity and wisdom. You are in my prayers, especially on Friday. Blessings and love to you and your family.

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    1. Thank you, Tabatha, for your sweet words and for your prayers. So appreciated!

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  2. Susie~

    Thank you for sharing your strong testimony! My heart aches for you and your loss! I have never been pregnant, so I can't say that I completely understand what you must be feeling. All 5 of our beautiful kiddos' were adopted. We did do foster care for 5 years. We had a total of 22 children during that time. 17 of them left our arms. It was so difficult. But I, like you, have always known that God has a miraculous plan for all of His children. I know that someday I will see them again! I pray that your heart will find healing and that you will feel God's peace and love for you at this most difficult time! You and your family are in my prayers!

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing and for your prayers, Ranee!

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  3. My heart goes out to you too. May you be enveloped in the arms of angels to comfort and soothe your empty arms and may you continue to have the strength to endure whatever comes your way. You are a woman of great strength, most of us could not handle what you have been through and still have your faith and devotion to God. You are an inspiration to all of us! May your heart/mind/body be mended and healed speedily! sending love and hugs and prayers your way! Lorie

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    1. Thank you for your kind words and prayers, Lorie! I know that the alternative to keeping my faith in Him would be far worse!

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  4. I am so very sorry! I have had four miscarriages in the past and know the sad feeling of taking down that pregnancy counter...it is so very hard. On my website (amothersheritage.com) I have a miscarriage page and if you scroll down there are some beautiful quotes by Samuel Rutherford that might minister to your hurting heart right now. Sending bloggy love your way.

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    1. Thank you, Jenny! I will check out those quotes today!

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  5. Nikki Honeyblooms I am on FB.. How bad was your spotting?

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    1. The spotting was not bad at all. One time I had a little bit more than spotting, but other than that, minimal spotting to none at times.

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  6. I am sorry for your loss! I am strengthened by your faith and perspective. It reminds me of a wonderful book I'm reading. You may really enjoy it. It has stories of all different kinds of birth, loss, adoption, meditation, etc. and there's so much application to our Father in Heaven's plan for us here on earth. It is from a Latter Day Saint perspective, but I think most of it can be enjoyed by any Christian. I hope you may be able to enjoy some of the essays or the whole book sometime (it's huge!).

    http://thegiftofgivinglife.com/

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    1. Thanks, Shannon! Sounds like a wonderful book to read!

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  7. We had this as our verse tonight in our mid-week service and now I really feel like I need to share it with you:

    1 Thessalonians 5:24 "Faithful is he that calleth you , who also will do it."

    I have been praying for you ever since Kaila shared the sad news. We love you!

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    1. Thank you, Kim. I am so thankful for your prayers and for sharing this verse!

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  8. I've had 5 losses myself, I had some testing after the fourth that showed I have a condition called antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. Since that fourth loss, I've had my son and now I'm 29 weeks along with a daughter and I wouldn't have either of them if we hadn't found the condition. The treatment is heparin (or lovenox) and aspirin daily. I have 2 friends with multiple losses with the same condition. I would encourage you to get tested to see if you might have something treatable.

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all, I certainly understand the pain all too well. I pray your heart finds peace.

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    1. Is this the same thing as lupus or something that is the result of lupus? My doctor is going to test me for lupus after I am no longer pregnant. Thank you for sharing, Melody!

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    2. It's in the same family of problems as lupus. You can have lupus and have this too, but in my case I just have the antiphospholipid issue alone. Someone else mentioned the MTHFR mutation and while that's not the same, the treatments are similar- prevent the clots from happening with heparin or lovenox plus aspirin. I live in Indiana too, I had my testing done at St. Francis in Indianapolis. They have a RPL clinic that does all this testing and they'll need to draw your husband's blood too for this type of test. (I think there's a hospital in Chicago that does the testing too but for us it wasn't covered by insurance) It's worth it for the answers. I really hope you find an answer to the "why".

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  9. Susie,

    I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. Whether you see it or not, you are a great blessing and encouragement to so many ladies through the faith and courage you exemplify. Love and prayers to you! :)

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words, Heather!

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like we have had similar issues...along with several other ladies on here. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please be gentle with yourself during this time.

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  11. oh Susie, i am so sorry. my heart grieves with yours. i have 6 precious ones with the Lord and it brings me a sense of peace knowing He is with them, smiling at them, holding them, laughing with them. He is doing the same with yours. they are safe within His arms, where He is holding them til you can.

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    1. It gives us a special tie to heaven, doesn't it? Thank you for such sweet words!

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  12. My heart sank as I read this post. I am so very sorry for your loss and pain. I know it all too well. But know that your strong faith and testimony in this trial is being used for God's glory!! Thank you for sharing your heart amidst this difficult time. You will be in my prayers on Friday.
    Blessings,
    Annette

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    1. I am thankful for your prayers, Annette!

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  13. Praying for you, sister. I'm so sorry. I'm going through the same valley. I hope I grow in faith as you are.
    Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, Belle! Be strong and courageous and lean on our loving Father!

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  14. I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. My grandson was stillborn at full term, almost two years ago. My daughter is a part of a wonderful group of moms who have all been through infant loss. hopemommies.org

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  15. So sorry but glad that you know God has a plan for a grand reunion in His time

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  16. You are in my heart and prayers.

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  17. You are in my prayers. I have been there myself. I have three little angels in heaven that I will be reunited with someday. There are no words you can use to express the pain, sadness, guilt, and anger that is felt with each one. I too wondered why God would allow me to become pregnant, only to take the baby away from me. I was a good mom. At the time of losing my last baby, I had two healthy children. When I went in for that dr. appointment and the ultra sound showed no heartbeat, I went from sad to angry in .05 seconds. I demanded to know what in the world was going on. After blood tests, etc. it was discovered I have a disorder called MTHFR mutation. In short, my body wasn't metabolizing folic acid, and blood clots were developing in the umbilical cord. The lack of folic acid explains the miscarriages and the blood clots in the cord is what causes still born babies (if the mother has MTHFR.)The next pregnancy the dr. put me on some high dosed folic acid, complex vitamin B, an extra regular strength folic acid, a prenatal, and a baby asprin. I went on to carry two more babies to term with no problems. I am not saying you have MTHFR, but it might be worth checking out. I wish I would have discovered my condition ten years before I did.
    Lots of prayers and love your way!!

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    1. Could they see the blood clots in an ultrasound? Or is this something that has to be tested to find out about? Thank you for sharing and your prayers!

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  18. oh Susie---I am so so sorry. AS the mamma of 13 precious babies in Heaven and three here on earth, my heart is breaking for you this morning. I know that feeling, of knowing you have to go in to make sure all is okay only to have it not be okay at all time and time again. Thank you so much for putting your heart out there and telling us so we can pray for you and lift you up to the Heavenly Father. I also have antiphospholipid antibody syndrome, and by the time they discovered it, it was too late to do anything as my body had really gone haywire from so many pregnancies and miscarriages. I dont want to say anything else but that, dear lady, you are dearly loved by the Lord and your family, you are beautiful and formed by the Lord, and He is walking with you through this, even when that is hard to see. I am so so sorry. God bless you today.
    ~Heather (www.thewelcominghouse.blogspot.com)

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  19. I am so sad and sorry to hear your story but thank you for sharing it. I have 5 living children and I have had 5 miscarriages. The last 3 have been in the last two years. I have had several people tell me that maybe God thinks 5 is enough. I don't know what God's plan is for me but my husband and I believe that it's God's business and we will not interrupt his process. It's in his hands! It's not always easy, it has been alittle harder for my husband to feel that way because I believe in some ways it's harder for him he not only looses these precious baby along with me but he has to helplessly watch me suffer... But we both still feel it is not our place to say we are done just because things didn't go the way we wanted. I feel that when I gave my life to God and asked to him to lead me in every area that I would be in his will that I shouldn't come back now and say well lead me every where but here. That is just not the way it works. Sending you many loving thoughts and prayers!!

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    1. I know exactly how you feel! Those thoughts have crossed my mind too, but, you are right in that we should give Him control in everything, even having children! Thank you for sharing and your prayers!

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  20. I am so sorry for your sorrow. Grateful that you trust in God's perfect plan, as hard as it is.

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  21. Oh sweetie, I am so so so sorry. :( I read about this yesterday on FB and it broke my heart. Reading your story here breaks it more. I will continue to pray for your family and trust that God will comfort you.

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  22. I'm so sorry. I exactly know what kind of pain it is because I gave birth to a dead baby myself 3 years ago and had some miscarriages. But there still hope. If I knew that before I had have call Curry Blake at John G Lake ministry (I think he have an emergency phone number). After he lose a child, he gave his life to the healing ministry and since tell testimony of babies who was dead inside the womb but came back to life, even dead twins. The devil tried to take the life of another one of his child and she came back to life after being dead awhile. I think that God give life and the devil try to steal it. The devil hate families, especially christian ones. I believe the God's promises that tell us that with long life, he will satisfy us and I'm sure it's for our babies too. I wish you the best and will pray for you and your baby. I'm sorry for my english, I'm a french canadian.

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    1. Thank you for sharing, Melanie! I do appreciate your prayers! Amazing story you share!

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  23. I'm so sorry! I've been through three miscarriages. It is never easy, but having Jesus as your rock does make it more bearable. Praying for you and your family.

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  24. I just found your site and am so sorry for your loss, I love that you are clinging to the Lord through it all.

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  25. I've been through this pain, too, although never quite as far along as you've been. So sorry for your loss, yet encouraged beyond measure by your testimony. May the Lord who uses all things to our good and His glory be with you in this season of life; may He provide comfort through the tears and joy beyond measure as you rest in HIM. With prayers for you and yours, ~Lisa

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  26. Praying that Jesus will touch you and give you strength. He is faithful...

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  27. Praying for you sweet sister and your family. Thankful your hope is in the One who one day will wipe away every tear.

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  28. Oh, Susie. I'm so sorry! Crying with you this morning, my sister.

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  29. I can't remember where I found your blog but I found it a while back and have been reading ever since. I am so sorry for your loss and you and your family are in my prayers.

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  30. Susie, I feel your pain right now. Praying for you, for mercy, strength, and renewed vision. I have been where you are. I lost 5 babies, one at 12 weeks. I had a break down after the 4th loss, because I refused to accept God's plan for us, and became angry at my body. Keep looking to the children you already have, and don't give up your hope. God holds your future. And He can be trusted.

    The verse that helped me the most when we were grieving our babies was Psalm 91.

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  31. You are in our prayers and will especially be in our prayers tomorrow....I don't understand why this has to happen to you just as I don't understand why my husband is having to suffer with cancer BUT God is with each of us so very much...I don't know how in the world folks get through these sorts of things without God and His Presence!
    As I said, you and your family continue in our prayers. The verse that keeps sustaining me this week is in Hebrews where He says "I will never leave you nor forsake you...."

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  32. OH susie you are SO right. God has bigger plans for you then you can even imagine. You will see it all oneday. I pray that the Lord will reveal to you what He wants you to learn through all of this. You are an inspiration in holding fast to God and not letting the enemy creep in. Praying for you sweet sister!

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  33. I am so amazed by your strength. I am awed by the plan that God must have for you. As he does not give us more than we can handle. I send prayers, strength for the dark moments, healing for your body and most of all love. Blessings for you.

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  34. I am praying for you, and am sorry for your loss. Getting to heaven really will be a celebration for you! You've got quite a brood up there waiting for you! Thanking for sharing this painful story. It has blessed me to read it.

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  35. So sorry for your loss Susie! You and your family will be in my prayers!

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  36. Thank you for sharing your heart and your news. I have only been through it once, but I totally understand your pain and loss. Aren't we so blessed to have a savior who identifies with our pain and a God who knows every hair on that little one's head? Moving forward is never easy, but we press on, knowing that the perfecting of our faith is taking place and that we are being made perfect, day by day, as we rest and trust in Him to continue our sanctification until the day we see Him (and our precious babies) face to face.

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  37. soooooo sorry for your loss!!

    have you been tested for the RH factor?

    also, remember that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, and God gives life and life more abundantly. so if anything is being stolen, killed or destroyed, it's NOT God who's doing it.....it's the enemy. God WANTS you to have a beautiful full-term baby. He wants you to have your heart's desires.

    do you have other females in your family who have had a history of miscarriages? i know some ppl don't believe in this, but it could be a generational curse, which can be broken. we don't have to be victims of the enemy any longer. we have the authority over him, but we have to know that, stand up and take it and act in it.

    anyway, i'm praying that peace & healing will come to your heart, body and family as you walk thru this valley.

    Eliz. H.

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  38. Susie, I am so sorry for your loss. There really isn't anything that I can say to lift you up... but I will lift you, your heart and family up in prayer. I pray that the Lord would embrace you with His loving arms and that His peace come to your heart.
    God bless you friend,
    Monica
    God's Most Precious Blog

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  39. Susie, I am so sorry and do also know He has great plans for you and although having your baby in heaven rather than your arms is hard, I pray you will continue to know His LOVE for you! Praying for your comfort and healing!

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  40. So sorry to hear this ,Susie. The prayers of the Evans family are with you and your family.

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  41. I am so sorry for your loss. I've had several miscarriages. We have nine children with us and three in heaven.

    Like many of the others who have commented, I pray if there is a medical reason that can be treated, your doctor will be able to find it. I also recommend that you find an OB who specializes in high risk pregnancies for next time. You can still use your midwife, of course.

    And sometimes, there aren't reasons. One thing that carries me when I think about the babies we don't have is that I know they are with God. But still years later, I get that stitch in my stomach when I think about it or hear other mothers' stories. And it helps to know so many others care, too.
    Harriet

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  42. What a sorrowful time for you - I will pray for you. Bless your heart and may God give peace and grace to you and your family.

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  43. "I surrender myself to Him and humbly ask that He shows me what He wants me to learn. If I choose not to do this, then losing my baby would be all for nothing."--oh, Susie, that we would always take this heart when we go through trials. That is such a right response to the Lord, but it is hard to stay there.
    Thanks for sharing a hard story--but know that God is using what you're going through to help others walk through their valleys.
    Love,
    Rhonda

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  44. Susie: I am so so sorry for your loss. I could just feel my heart breaking with you as you shared. God will use you and he will strengthen and comfort you. We may not ever know why but trust. You are so strong must be to write this. I too share much loss; have had several miscarriages, a few at around 11 weeks and one at 16 weeks where I did deliver the baby in our bathroom. Thank you for sharing - it is helpful to share and have others come along side of us.

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  45. P S. forgot the most important part- I will be praying for you and your family as you go through this!

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  46. I am very sorry for your loss and will pray for you tonight.
    Jessica

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  47. I remember that look the first time I saw it was when I went into the hospital with cramping and spotting one week after seeing the baby on the ultra sound and hearing his heartbeat. It was the ultra sound tech who I first saw with that look, I knew the baby was gone, when she left the room to get "help", sometimes you just know.

    All I could was sing praises in the room when she left, while my bottom was propped up on the 3 pillows the tech used to raise my womb, and my back ached from the 45 min scan. I waited in that position while the tech searched~ I would have sat 100 if it meant that I would be mom.

    I waited 14 long fruitless years, watching others conceive with ease, I waited patiently and heartbreakingly long.

    All I could do was sing, "Blessed me your name, when I walk in the desert place, when I walk thru the wilderness, blessed be your name..." Before the doctor came back wearing that same expression & bearing the news I knew my baby was no longer here.

    I felt so broken, so useless after 14 years of believing in the impossible and not backing down from the dream of motherhood I believed that perhaps the long years of waiting allotted us some sort of reprieve from this sort of tragedy.

    We said, "See you soon" to my son Ben's remains a few days later. I refused to say goodbye I know the child I held in my heart, held in my womb for those short weeks I would one sweet day hold in my arms. We then said "See you soon" to 2 more sons in 14 short months later.

    I identify with your pain, holding on even when your heart is stuck down, & feeling broken, I am so sorry your family is experiencing this kind of pain.

    We did have a successful birth with my now 4 year old daughter after a harrowing pregnancy, we thought we lost her 3 or 4 times. There was a blood clot that developed between her placenta and the womb, the dr gave her 50%. And once the blood clot was healing my rambunctious puppy slammed into my stomach and caused the bleed to start again. I was bed ridden for the first 20 weeks. Then during delivery her heartbeat was lost for 2 & 3 seconds at a time, after it reoccurred the 6 or 7th time they rushed me to the OR and did an emergency C-section she had a knot the size of a tennis ball in her cord and it was wrapped around her head 2 times. The dr said he has only seen one complete knot like she had in her cord in his 30 year experience. Her little head was cone shaped from trying to come out, but every time she tried to descend into the birth canal the knot cut her off.

    We weren't going to try to conceive again because of all that drama, we even tried preventing pregnancy. And we learned if God is going to bless you even you cannot stop him, we were pregnant with identical twins by the time Kissi was 18 months old (Does NOT run in the family, and I was NOT taking any fertility herbal remedies or meds!). After seeing the twins within in 4 weeks time the one twin vanished. It took us 4 weeks to come to terms with being pregnant again and with identical twins then we had to come to terms with a single baby.

    I can intensify with the roller coaster of emotions and just plain not understanding God at times. That one praise song that says, "Where you lead me Lord I will follow, where lead me Lord I will go..." I at times will look around the sanctuary and just want to ask the congregation..."Really? What if its a place of pain, one that makes no sense and no one can give you comfort, no reasonable explanation can be made? What if hurts to the point your heart feels like it will break from the sadness?" Not said cynically just honestly.

    I know we all want to soothe you and help ease your sorrow, I wish words could take away all of that sadness for you. If I had a super power that is one I would want. Praying for you and your family during this season.

    Your sister in the journey,
    Leesy
    De'Momma Chronicles on blog spot &
    The MotherHOOD on blog spot

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  48. Dearest Susie,
    I am praying right now that the Lord will wrap his strong loveing arms around you. That you will feel His peace, one that passes all understanding and that you rest in His love as you prepare your hearts and the hearts of the ones around you to say goodbye to your little one. I will be carrying you in my heart, and may you feel the burden of this precious loss get a little lighter. Your blog is such a blessing to me! I too, can't wait to met all these precious angels of my friends in the presence of our Lord. Sending hugs!
    Love, Dawn
    dawnsimpleblessings.blogspot.com

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  49. I lost my little bean this past Easter. How ironic. When we are to be celebrating the life of our Lord and Savior, He would be comforting me through a most sorrowful death. My husband and I have been married three years and hae just began thinking about starting our family as part of our goal for the year. Your post brought back a whole flood of emotions and I can't help but cry as I type. It is so very hard, but I am so thankful for the support I have had from friends and family, and most importantly, from the LORD. I know there is no way I could bear it without Him. I can't wait to see what my sweet bean, my first baby, looks like. I can only imagine... My prayers are with you and all these ladies who feel such a loss.

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  50. Susie,
    I just read about your loss and I'm SO sorry to hear about this! You and Tony and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers.
    Debra Bult

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  51. I too have had several miscarriages so I share your pain. I wish I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. I will be praying for you dear sister.

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  52. I am so terribly sorry for your pain. I don't know what to say as nothing I say will make it better. Please just know that you are in my thoughts. Again, I am so so sorry.

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  53. There are no words I can muster... yours are eloquent. My prayers today are for you.

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  54. I'm so sorry...I've lost five babies to miscarriage, but never stillbirth. I know a little of what you mean about the sense of hopelessness and dread. May God give you abundant grace through this very difficult time for you and your family.

    For us it meant 10 years of having only one child. I did in desparation cry out to God to not even allow me to conceive if it just meant another loss, and for seven years He honored that request in an unusual way.

    Now I'm the mother of six beautiful children...four adopted and two bio. God had a different plan in mind for us than I ever anticipated. Now looking back I see His loving hand in our lives as well as in the lives of the children He placed in our family. But during those "dark" and hopeless years I often struggled. My heart and prayers are with you.

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  55. Susie, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. I can't even imagine what it must be like in your shoes.

    I truly admire how you've chosen to see God's sovereignty and goodness in such pain. You're a wonderful example of a life surrendered to God's will.

    You WILL BE in my prayers.

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  56. To Susie and all of the Sisters in Christ who have traveled the sorrowful path of loss, I am inspired by your willingness to share your pain with others, and allow God to guide you towards His greater purpose.
    Even though I have not experienced the loss of my children directly, as so many of you have, my loss has come to me in a different way. At the age of seventeen, as I was preparing to graduate from high school, everyone would ask me what my plans for the future were. My response was, and always has been, "I want to be the very best Christian wife and mother I can possibly be." All along, I have been living and growing in Christ, dedicating my life to the service of others, waiting on God to give me my husband and children.
    I worked my way through college and earned a degree in Special Education. I have been teaching and ministering to students with various disabilities for many years now. In fact, since I do not have children of my own, I have given my maternal-like love and care to hundreds of children throughout the years. During this same period of time, I have had the distinct blessing of caring for each of my immediate family members as they suffered illnesses which ended with their deaths (My only sibling, who was four years older than me, My Father, and then my Mother). I believe God's plan of me being single during this time of struggle and loss, was a unique blessing because I was able to give my undivided care and attention to each of my love ones as they approached their deaths. So at the age of 38, I became a woman with no family of her own, but I still had an undying desire to be "the very best Christian wife and mother I could possibly be."
    In another unforeseen twist in the path God has placed me on, I discovered my uterus was inundated with large fibroid tumors, enlarging it to the size of a 5 1/2 month pregnancy. As a result of this condition, I had a total hysterectomy two weeks ago. Losing my uterus has brought me painful doubts and fears regarding God's purpose for my life. I am wondering why God placed a burning desire for pregnancy and motherhood in my heart, but then required me to relinquish my womb. In spite of my recent season of grief, I will continue to wait upon the Lord, and anticipate the blessings He has in store for my future. I claim Jer. 29:12 and believe He can fulfill the desires of my heart, in ways far better than I can possibly imagine! Perhaps my future husband will already have children for me love and lead through Christ. Regardless, I will try to graciously accept God’s will for my life, and continue to devote myself to serving His purpose.
    Susie, while looking for natural remedies to treat my new surgical incision (similar to that of a C-Section) by God's grace, I found your website. Your ‘Eden Natural Skin Care products’ came up in my Google search. Anyway, after admiring your beautiful children pictured on your homepage, I started reading about your family, farm, and devotion to God.
    Reading about your family's losses of precious babies, and the loss of the other women who share your experience of miscarriages and still births, I felt compelled to share my own story of loving sacrifice and God's gracious provisions of healing and comfort for the wounds His daughters suffer in their plight to fulfill their heart's desire of motherhood.
    I grieve for your loss, and thank God that you and your loved ones are able to seek refuge in His loving embrace. The comment you made in your reply to ‘A Godly Homemaker’, "It gives us a special tie to heaven, doesn't it?”, really resonates with me. I too feel especially connected to heaven… not only is it the home of my Lord and Savior, but it is where the souls of my dearest loved ones reside too!
    I apologize for making such a lengthy post… And with sincere appreciation I will conclude this message by whispering a prayer for God to continue shaping you and your family according to His mighty purpose.

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  57. Dear Susie, Our hearts go out to you, Tony, and the children. We are so sorry for your loss and just wanted to let you know we are still praying and lifting you all up before the King of Kings! He understands you pain and grief. We wrap our arms around you and weep with you. 'Trust in the Lore with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:4-5
    Stand firm...

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  58. Dear Susie, so deeply sorry to hear of your loss. I too can identify with your pain. We suffered four miscarriages after 18 years of trying to have a family. One of them happened on Christmas day. We were pregnant again a joyfull and yet worrisome time. I decided to abandon all my previous doctors and went to a different ob/gyn. He in turn sent me to a perinatologist in South Bend, Indiana. On the first visit, I began the aspirin and heparin therapy. I took 7 injections every day of my pregnancy...a small price to pay for what finally became a healthy pregnancy and the birth of my son, Gavin. There was no reason for my previous miscarriages. I had every test I think I could have possibly had but, this ONE doctor had the simplest treatment.

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  59. I would like to add that for some reason I was led here...been thinking I haven't seen any posts from you lately, and that I was missing you! Chance...maybe but, I believe in a higher power! Many prayers for you and your family, dear! I often think of my mom in heaven holding my babies until I get there one day! For now, God has been gracious to me and has given me Gavin to hold on to until that day comes!

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  60. my heart goes out to you...praying for you.

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  61. I have been there. I lift you up to His throne and praise Him for instilling within you continued peace, and in addition: new springs of joy to begin springing up in your belly.

    I HIGHLY recommend this book (NOT about losing babies, which are touch and go on whether they are good for a mother's heart to read anyway).

    "The Sensational Scent of Prayer." The author delves into a deep, yet uplifting study of Hannah in 1st Samuel, her barrenness, prayers, and the Lord "remembering" her. http://www.amazon.com/The-Sensational-Scent-Prayer-ebook/dp/B0080ITK28

    With love,
    Rebecca
    From My Mountain View [dot] com

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  62. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking to lose a child. God doesn't take life away today. He died that He could give us life in His Son! We live in a sin cursed world and death is a part of it just as life is. It's a constant struggle but God is giving us grace today PTL!

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  63. We had a baby at 28 weeks gestation. He died in my arms six hours after he was born. Two and half years later, we had another baby boy. I carried until 24 weeks. He was stillborn. In both cases, the placenta separated prematurely. After the pregnancies, I went to a obstetrician who specializes in high-risk pregnancies. He did many tests. I had a condition that causes the blood to clot in the placenta. It was a mild case, but enough to cause the placenta to deteriorate and separate. The "cure"? I only had to take one baby aspirin a day while I was pregnant. I went on to have five more beautiful children...all full term. I still miss my two baby boys, even though many years have gone by (1984 and 1987). Prayers and hugs to you. Hang on to God. As Dr. Dobson says, God makes sense even when he doesn't make sense.

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I would love to hear from you! Your sweet comments are always appreciated!

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