One of the reasons I am posting about this update is for myself. To write down all of my thoughts(there are so many!) that are going through my head. Writing is a good release for me. But many of you are wondering about this pregnancy too and I really appreciate your prayers from the very beginning!
I have to keep myself from obsessing over it. I daydream about arriving at the hospital, walking into the labor and deliver room, happy. I think about Eliana being born and I picture seeing her for the first time and tears come just from thinking about it. I dream of holding her, feeling her soft, warm cheeks, watching her breathe softly, listening to her cry, nursing her to sleep and seeing pure joy on my husband's face. I think about bringing her home to my children and how ecstatic they will be. Far too many times, I've come home empty handed.
But sometimes those negative thoughts come and I worry. If I don't feel her moving as much, or sometimes when I get the nonstress tests, my mind can play tricks on me. My first stillborn died on the exam table at the doctor's office right before getting a nonstress test at 37 weeks. So many little things have triggered memories of all of the heartache. I see nurses rolling the little cribs on wheels with sweet little babies down the hall and I think of my Gabriel. When they took him away, he was put in one of those cribs and rolled down the hall, but he was not alive. The same radiology room I sit in now to wait for my ultrasound appointments is the same one I sat in twice, when they could not find a heartbeat with my last two miscarriages. Waiting there, knowing the probable outcome, was torture.
Yet, so many things have triggered hope as well. I go in twice a week for nonstress tests and one time they put me in the labor and delivery room. And there it was, the baby warmer. Oh my! To foresee her in there flailing her chubby arms, crying while the nurse tends to her after she is born...oh my! What a wonderful sight! I've had more ultrasounds with her than any of my children and am very thankful they are keeping a close watch on her. So I've seen her a lot, which has created such a special bond. I hear her heartbeat twice, sometimes three time a week, I've never been so in tune with any of my babies in the womb as her.
They are inducing me at 37 weeks to reduce the risk of another stillbirth. So if you think of it, on March 3rd, would you pray for us? I know He is in control. And I know He loves little Eliana more than I do. But I sure hope He has plans to keep her with me, alive.